Jokes of Islam

Bukhari:V6B61N550 “The Prophet said, ‘It is a bad thing some of you say,”I have forgotten such-and-such verse of the Qur’an.” For truly, I have been caused by Allah to forget it. So you must keep on reciting the Qur’an because it escapes faster than a runaway camel.'”
Tabari I:299 “Scholars of the nation of our Prophet say, ‘The tree which Allah forbade Adam and his spouse to eat was wheat.'”
Tabari I:321 “When Eve became heavy with her first pregnancy, Satan came to her before she gave birth and said, ‘Eve, what is that in your womb?’ She said, ‘I do not know.’ He asked, ‘Where will it come out from-your nose, your eye, or your ear?’ She replied, ‘I do not know.'”
Tabari I:299 “It was the cover of fingernails that had kept their secret parts concealed.”
Tabari I:275 “Satan wanted to meet them in Paradise, but the keepers prevented him from entering. He went to a snake, an animal with four feet like a camel. Satan tried to persuade it to let him enter its mouth and take him to Adam. The snake agreed, passed by the keepers, and entered without their knowledge, because that was Allah’s plan.”
Tabari I:278 “Adam went inside the tree to hide. Eve cut the tree and it bled. Then feather that covered Adam and Eve dropped off. So Allah said, ‘Now Eve, as you caused the tree to bleed, you will bleed every new moon, and you, snake, I will cut off your feet and you will walk slithering on your face.'”
Tabari I:279 “It was a tree which made whoever ate from it defecate. But there must be no faeces in Paradise.”
Tabari I:281 “I heard him swear by Allah unequivocally, ‘As long as Adam was in his right mind, he would never have eaten from the tree. Eve gave him wine and got him drunk. She led him to the tree.”
Tabari I:267 “And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart.”
Bukhari:V1B4N137 “Allah’s Apostle said, ‘The prayer of a person who does Hadath (passes urine, stool or wind) is not accepted till he performs ablution.'”
Bukhari:V1B4N139 “I asked Allah’s Apostle about a person who imagined they passed wind during prayer. He replied: ‘He should not leave his prayer unless he hears sound or smells something.'”
Bukhari:V1B4N156 “The Prophet said, ‘Whenever anyone makes water he should not hold his penis or clean his private parts with his right hand. While drinking, one should not breathe in the utensil.'”
Bukhari:V1B4N163 “The Prophet said, ‘Whoever cleans his private parts with stones should do it with an odd number of stones. And whoever wakes up should wash his hands before putting them in the water for ablution. Nobody knows where his hands were during sleep.'”
Bukhari:V1B4N174 “During the lifetime of Allah’s Apostle dogs used to urinate and pass through the mosque. Nevertheless they never used to sprinkle water on it.”
Tabari I:367 “The Apostles said to Jesus, ‘Would you send us a man who saw the ark and could tell us about it.’ He took a handful of the earth in his palm and asked, ‘Do you know what this is?’ ‘Allah and His prophet know best!’ they replied. Jesus said, ‘This is the grave of Noah’s son, Ham.’ He struck the hill with his staff and said, ‘Rise with Allah’s permission!’ And behold there was Ham, with gray hair, shaking the earth from his head. Jesus asked him whether he had perished in that state with gray hair. Ham replied, ‘No when I died, I was a young man, but I thought the Day of Doom had come, and my hair turned gray.’ Jesus said, ‘Tell us about Noah’s ark.’ He said, ‘It was 1,200 cubits long [nearly 4,000 feet] and 600 cubits wide. It had three stories, one for domestic and wild animals, another for human beings, and a third for birds. When the dung of the animals became excessive, Allah inspired Noah to tickle the elephant’s tail. He did, and a male and female hog fell down and attacked the dung. When the rat fell down into the seams of the planks of the ark and gnawed at them, Allah inspired Noah to strike the lion between its eyes and a male and female cat came out from its nose and attacked the rat.'”
Tabari I:360 “The first animal to be put aboard was the ant, and the last the donkey. When Noah brought the donkey in, Lucifer attached himself to its tail, so that it could not lift its legs. Noah started to say, ‘Woe to you. Go in.’ The donkey rose but was unable to move. Noah said, ‘Woe to you. Go in even if Satan is with you.’ It was a slip of the tongue, but when Noah said it, Satan let the donkey proceed. It went in, and Satan went in with it. Noah said, ‘How did you get in here with me?’ Satan replied, ‘You cannot escape from having me on board. Satan stayed in the rear of the boat. Noah also carried along Adam’s corpse, making it a barrier between the women and men.”
Tabari II:106 “Allah sent gnats against the Babylonians, and they ate their flesh and drank their blood, and nothing but their bones were left. But Allah gave Nimrod a single gnat which entered his nostril and went on beating the inside of his head with hammers for four hundred years. The most merciful of his friends was he who bunched up his hands and beat Nimrod’s head with them.”
Tabari II:107 “Nimrod vowed to seek out Abraham’s God. So he took four eagle fledglings and nurtured them on meat and wine so that they grew up tough and strong. Then he tied them to a chest and sat in it. He suspended a piece of meat over them and they flew up trying to reach it. When they had risen high in the sky, Nimrod looked down and beheld the earth. He saw the mountains crawling below like creeping ants. When they had risen still higher he looked and saw the earth with a sea surrounding it. After climbing still higher, he came into a region of darkness and could not see what was above him nor what was below him. He became frightened and threw the meat down. The eagles followed it, darting downward. When the mountains saw them coming near and heard their noise, they became afraid and almost moved from their places, but did not do so. As Allah says in the Qur’an, ‘Verily they have plotted their plot, and their plot is with Allah, even if their plot were one whereby the mountains should be moved.'”
Tabari II:78 “And everything that heard him-stones, trees, hills, and dust said, ‘Here I am, my Allah, here I am.'”
Tabari II:99 “Abraham was tested with ten Islamic practices: rinsing the mouth, cleansing nostrils with water, trimming the mustache, using a toothstick, plucking the armpit, paring nails, washing finger joints, circumcision, shaving pubic hair, and washing the rear and vulva.”
Qur’an 2:138 “(Our religion is) the Baptism of Allah: And who can baptize better than Allah?”
Tabari VI:21 “Qusayy purchased the custodianship of the Ka’aba for a skin full of wine and a lute.”
Bukhari:V4B55N585 “‘O Allah’s Apostle! Which mosque was first built on the surface of the earth?’ He said, ‘The mosque Haram in Mecca.’ ‘Which was built next?’ He replied ‘The mosque of Al-Aqsa in Jerusalem.’ ‘What was the period of construction between the two?’ He said, ‘Forty years.'”
Tabari VI:66 “Umar said, ‘By Allah I was by one of the idols of the Jahiliyyah. An Arab sacrificed a calf to it, and we were waiting for it to be divided up in order to receive a share. I heard coming from the belly of the calf a voice which was more penetrating than any I’ve heard. The dead calf’s belly said, ‘There is no ilah but Allah.'”
Ishaq:85 “The people were afraid to demolish the temple and withdrew in terror from it. Al-Walid said, ‘I will begin the demolition.’ He took up his pickaxe and walked up to Allah’s House saying, ‘O Ka’aba, do not be afraid. O Allah we intend nothing but good.’ The he demolished part of it near the two corners.”
Bukhari:V4B54N52 “The Prophet said, ‘Kill the snake with two white lines on its back, for it blinds the onlooker and causes abortion.'”
Tabari VI:75 “‘Messenger, how did you first know with absolute certainty that you were a prophet?’ He replied, ‘Two angels came to me while I was somewhere in Mecca…. One angel said, “Open his breast and take out his heart.” He opened my chest and heart, removing the pollution of Satan and a clot of blood, and threw them away. Then one said, “Wash his breast as you would a receptacle.” He summoned the Sakinah, which looked like the face of a white cat, and it was placed in my heart. Then one said, “Sew up his breast.” So they sewed up my chest and placed the seal between my shoulders.'”
Qur’an 33:69 “Believers, be not like those who annoyed Moses. Allah proved his innocence of that which they alleged.” Bukhari:V4B55N616 “Allah’s Apostle said, ‘The Prophet Moses was a shy person and used to cover his body. An Israeli insulted him, saying, “He covers it because of some defect like leprosy or scrotal hernia.” Allah wished to clear Moses of this allegation, so one day he took off his clothes, put them on a stone and started taking a bath. When he moved towards his clothes the stone took them and fled. Moses picked up his staff and ran after the stone saying, “O stone! Give me back my clothes!” He reached some Israelis who saw him naked, and found him to be the best of what Allah had created. The stone stopped there and Moses took his garments and started hitting the stone with his stick. By Allah, the stone still has some traces of the hitting, three, four or five marks. This was what Allah meant when he revealed the surah saying: “Believers! Be you not like those who annoyed Moses. Allah proved his innocence of that which they alleged.”‘”
Bukhari:V7B71N643 “I heard the Prophet saying, ‘If anyone of you dreams something he dislikes, when you get up, blow thrice on your left.'”
Bukhari:V9B87N115 “If you spit on the left side of your bed the bad dream will not harm you.”
Bukhari:V6B60N373 “The Prophet explained, ‘Paradise and Hell argued…. Allah said to the Hell Fire, “You are my (means of) punishment by which I torment whoever I wish of my slaves. You will have your fill. As for the Fire, it will not be filled until I put My Foot over it.'”
Bukhari:V7B71N590 “The climate of Medina did not suit some people so the Prophet ordered them to drink camel urine as a medicine.”
Bukhari:V7B71N592 “I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, ‘There is healing in black cumin for all diseases except death.'”
Bukhari:V7B71N673 “Allah’s Apostle said, ‘If a fly falls in your drink, dip all of it into the cup and then throw it away, for in one of its wings there is a disease and in the other there is healing, an antidote or treatment for that disease.'”
Qur’an 49:12 “Spy not behind the backs of others. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother?”
Ishaq:565 “The Apostle sent Khalid to destroy the idol Al-Uzza in the lowland of Nakhlah. The Quraysh used to venerate her temple. When Sulami heard of Khalid’s approach, he hung his sword on Al-Uzza, climbed a mountain, and shouted: ‘O Uzza, make an annihilating attack on Khalid. Throw aside your veil and gird up your train. O Uzza, if you do not kill Khalid then bear a swift punishment or become a Christian.’ When Khalid arrived he destroyed her and returned to the Apostle.” Tabari VIII:187 “‘I have destroyed it,’ he said to Muhammad. ‘Did you see anything?’ ‘No.’ ‘Then,’ Muhammad said, ‘go back and kill her.’ So Khalid returned to the idol. He destroyed her temple and broke her graven image. The shrine’s keeper began saying, ‘Rage, O Uzza, display one of your fits of rage!’ Whereupon a naked, wailing Ethiopian woman came out before him. Khalid killed her and took the jewels that were on her. Then he went back to Allah’s Messenger and gave him a report. ‘That was Al-Uzza,’ Muhammad said. ‘Al-Uzza will never be worshiped again.'”
Bukhari:V1B3N68 “Muhammad used to take care of us in preaching by selecting a suitable time, so that we might not get bored. He abstained from pestering us with sermons and knowledge.”
Muslim:B40N6837 “Allah’s Messenger delivered an address, mentioning a camel and a bad person who cut off its hind legs, reciting: ‘When the basest of them broke forth with mischief.’ He then delivered instruction saying: ‘There are amongst you those who beat their women. They flog them like slave girls. Then after flogging them like slaves they comfort them in their beds as a result at the end of the day.’ He then advised in regard to people laughing at the breaking of wind and said: ‘You laugh at that which you yourself do.'”
Bukhari:V3B33N254 “Satan circulates in human beings as blood flows in our bodies.”
Tabari II:121 “Gabriel spread out his wings and gouged out their eyes. Gabriel seized Sodom’s girdle, snatching it up so high into the sky the angels could hear their dogs. He threw rocks at the laggards, one after the other. There were three towns called Sodom that lay between Medina and Syria. It has been mentioned that there were four million people in the town.”
Qur’an 79:1 “I swear by those (angels) who violently tear out (the souls), and drag them forth to destruction, by those who gently take out, by those meteors rushing by, swimming along (angels or planets), and by those who press forward as in a race (the angels, or stars, or horses [the translators added, clueless as to what “god” was trying to say]), and by those who regulate the affair.”
Bukhari:V7B71N665 “The Prophet said, ‘No contagious disease is conveyed without Allah’s permission.'” Bukhari:V4B54N484 “I heard the Prophet saying, ‘Fever is from the heat of the Hell Fire.'”
Bukhari:V8B77N616 “Allah’s Apostle said, ‘Plague is a means of torture which Allah sends upon whom-so-ever He wishes.'”
Qur’an 38:17 “We endued Our slave David with power. It was We who subdued the hills to sing Our praises with him at nightfall. And the birds were assembled, all obedient to him.”
Qur’an 89:6 “Saw you not how your Lord dealt with [the mythical] Ad, possessors of lofty buildings, the likes of which were not produced in all the land?”
Qur’an 91:11 “Thamud rejected (their prophet) through inordinate wrong-doing. Behold, the most-wicked wretch among them broke forth but the Messenger said: ‘Be cautious. It is a She-camel of Allah! And bar her not from having her drink!’ But they rejected him as a false prophet and hamstrung her. So Allah on account of their crime, obliterated their traces, doomed them, desolated their dwellings, leveling them to the ground for their sin.”
Qur’an 78:37 “The Lord with Whom they cannot dare to speak, none can converse with Him, none are able to address Him.”
Qur’an 86:13 “Lo this (Qur’an) is a conclusive Word; it is not a thing for amusement. It is no pleasantry. And it is no joke.”
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